Truth Byte # 35

Most of us have experienced heartbreak.  And not in the traditional sense.  

Sure, many of us have lost a romantic partner to another, had someone leave us prematurely, or fell in love in that classic, unrequited way.

But I am not talking about those heartbreaks.  

I am talking today about something much deeper.

The reasons that those heartbreaks felt so devastating at the time was because we were nursing a hundred thousand other heartbreaks before those romantic ones happened.  

Let me explain.  Your first heartbreaks happened before you turned 10 years old.

You probably don’t remember it happening to you, so let me tell give you some scenarios:

1. You were the first and adored child in the family.  Then another baby was born.  She/he was cuter, smaller, and drank in every adult’s attention.  Heartbreak.
2. Your heard your parents arguing about money one night as you were trying to fall asleep.  You remembered them buying you new shoes for preschool earlier that week. You feel like maybe if you didn’t ask for those shoes they wouldn’t always be arguing. Heartbreak.
3. Your best friend moved away in grade four. Heartbreak.
4. Some adult you cared about made fun of the goofy way you danced.  You were a kid, and danced liked no one was watching (because you didn’t’ think they were!). Heartbreak.
5. Your dad left your mom and you were shuffled from house to house. Heartbreak.
6. Your dog died. Heartbreak.
7. Your fish died and no one told you. You just came home one day and there was a new fish in the bowl and you could tell it wasn’t yours, but no one would admit it. Heartbreak.
8. You found out the truth about the whole Santa Clause conspiracy. Heartbreak.

And the list could go on and on.  These are childhood moments that happen to most us us.  And many of us can just shake them off.  But for those of us who are a little bit “more” as kids, those of us who would get lost in the beauty of a leaf as it turns orange, or those who actually felt like we could communicate with animals, or those who unabashedly opened our hearts to the world, these simple events can create the beginnings of what I call “heartache”. 

Heartache is different than heartbreak. 

In heartbreak, you have a good long cry, either out loud or in your own mind, and you vow to never “do that thing again.” Heartache is where we walk around with a giant wall around our hearts so we don’t ever get hurt again.  Heartbreak comes from an external event, and there is little we can do except brave through it.  Heartache is an orientation, a way we approach love and connection, and the world itself.  

Too many people who run this sweet planet are mired in heartache.

And those who could actually turn things around are too busy talking about and nursing their heartbreaks to do a damn thing about it.

Today, I appeal to you, my brothers and sisters who are recovering from heartbreak, to just let it go.  That heartbreak started when you were small, and has continued time and again throughout your life.  And if the point of this human life is to experience joy and connection, then you can simply choose to believe that these painful situations helped to orient you away from pain and towards what you really do want.

You are making the mistake by concentrating on the pain. What if, instead, you looked at this heartbreak (whether past or present) as an opportunity to forgive?

In the heartbreaks that happened in childhood, we interpreted them as heartbreaks because we couldn’t see the full story.  Your friend didn’t move away to hurt you, and your parents would have bought you those shoes anyway.  It wasn’t your fault.  In the grown-up heartbreaks, because there is so much heartache that has built up over the years, we are often not willing to see the big picture until years, even decades later.

I finally forgave my first boyfriend for breaking up with me LAST WEEK!! That’s like, 20 years of holding on.  Incredible. Unnecessary. 

So learn from me and save yourself some time.  Let go of those heartbreak stories today.  And you don’t have to follow some formula of how long it’s been until you can forgive.  You can begin to forgive him/her/them right now.

Happiness and a healed heart are waiting on the other side.